


Meetup

by felldownthelist



Series: Bare Metal Fan [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Fans, For my own entertainment, Gen, Internet Friends IRL, Nobody Needs This
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 08:49:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21158900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felldownthelist/pseuds/felldownthelist
Summary: Okay, okay, this might work out. Diego Hargreeves showed up, and he looks just about as jumpy as she feels.“No,” Clarys tells him, firmly. “No knife shit. If you get arrested I will never hear the end of it from your brother.”“Oh yeah,” Diego grins, “I forgot, Tim. You’re still scared of Five.”





	Meetup

**Author's Note:**

> HONEST TO GOD this is literally just for meeeeee. So the people in my head would stfu. What the fuck am I on.

Clarys is understandably anxious, she thinks, pulling into the parking lot. It’s a sports bar, but thank god! there are no sports on today. Apparently it’s just called that. It’s a good thing. And she is staying at the Travelodge down town and she’s – she’s – she is going out. With other humans.

She knows these humans, too.

They met on the internet.

Okay, it sounds dodgy as hell. But she’s ninety percent sure she’s safe. Ninety two. Her sister in law knows where she is (although she may think Clarys is in town for a conference… so she only kind of… okay, back down to ninety percent).

They’re legit. She’s spoken to them and read about them and moderated them and monitored their incoming IPs for just under a year. She didn’t spend eight years working up to a clinical PhD for nothing; she understands humans and behavior – okay, fine, so she specializes in criminals, it doesn’t matter because people are people are people – _and_ her second post doc is going to be on ‘Something Something Internet Society Something’ (working title, fuck off) _and she’s doing this_. Guilty pleasure as the Umbrella Academy fan board started, it got her out here. She can’t be the only anxious one. She’s doing this.

So. Parking and getting out of the truck are two things. Going into the bar, though.

It takes a minute.

For Christ’s sake. Defense panels have scared her less than this.

“Hi.”

Oops, jumpy. Clarys notes her hand is in her bag reaching for the mace before she can process anything else. She stops with it concealed, holds it, remembers she’s in public before she looks the guy in the face and says,

“Do I know you?”

“Yep,” he says, crossing his arms, eyeing the bulge of the hand in the bag speculatively. “I wouldn’t usually crowd a lady but damn, Tim. You’re an asshole.”

Oh her fucking God. No.

“Is that spandex?” Why can’t she say anything normal oh for fucks sake.

“No,” he sounds vaguely annoyed, she can process that later. “It’s-”

“Sorry!” It’s a noise out of the mouth of one of the two dudes who shoulder check her as they walk in, and she thinks she hears a British accent but also she doesn’t care.

“Hey,” it-isn’t-spandex says. “Watch yourselves.”

“Fuck you, man,” calls the second guy, and they’ve both clearly been drinking. And it’s fucking Diego Hargreeves, in front of her, in person, frowning, hand at his waist and grabbing – wait wait wait.

“Absolutely not, that is not okay in public,” she blurts, the glint of the metal giving away the presence of – knives?! Outside a bar!? Is he insane?! Jesus.

“What?” He snaps, looks back at her.

Okay, okay, this might work out. Diego Hargreeves showed up, and he looks just about as jumpy as she feels.

“No,” Clarys tells him, firmly. “No knife shit. If you get arrested I will never hear the end of it from your brother.”

“Oh yeah,” Diego grins, “I forgot, Tim. You’re still scared of Five.”

So a year or so ago when Clarys made the board, she used the handle ‘Tim’ because most guys on the message boards she spent her insomnia time on while the kids and husband snored through peacefully appeared to be guys and seemed to prefer talking to guys. And it didn’t matter because it wasn’t like she would ever need to show them any ID. Or even a photo.

Then the Umbrella Academy fan board kind of happened. She figured everybody knew her as Tim by then. When DIEGOHARGREEVES showed up and started making noises about being who he said he was, she did a reverse look-up on his IP and traced the lease records for the physical address. When it came up as a rental under the name Allison Hargreeves, she figured he was spoofing it and then – one day in her inbox;

‘Hello Clarys.

Your attempts at tracking down the Hargreeves siblings combined with your deliberate identity obfuscation have drawn my attention. Please note that I have your home and work addresses. Earlier this afternoon you requested a source for the information I shared regarding Vanya Hargreeves. Please find attached a link to a concert schedule.

Sincerely.

Number Five.’

And really, who signed off with ‘Number Five’?! It sounded like a ridiculous codename, even though she knew all about the academy yada yada. Backtracing that IP landed her square in the middle of Switzerland, and it looked like somebody other than the University she worked at and herself had heard of a VPN.

‘Hello Number Five,

Thank you for the link to the concert schedule. Please be advised that your attempts at being threatening have been noted. Here is a link to the forum rules which extend to personal messaging.

Regards,

Tim.’

Not strictly speaking how she should have responded to potential threats to her safety – not to mention her kids. But something about the tone had her hackles up. But then –

‘Hello Clarys,

I’ll see you shortly.

Sincerely,

Number Five.’

She’d received it at 6.30am while the breakfast muffins were warming up. Shoving lunches in bags and at children and one grown man, receiving four grunts in response, Clarys hadn’t thought any more of it until she made it to her office and found a very young man sitting in her chair.

She had looked straight back out to the corridor and seen it empty – nobody came around to her area of campus before 10am, part of why she liked coming in early. When she looked back, the kid had his fingers steepled, eyes narrowed at her.

“Can I help you?” She had asked, dumping her lunch and bag and moving to hang up her coat.

“Hello Clarys,” he had said, and it had sounded somewhat ominous.

“Dr Stevenson actually,” she corrected.

“Yes, Dr Clarys Stevenson. Fifty three years old. Three kids. One husband. No dog.”

“Excuse me?”

“At approximately ten thirty local time almost every night for the past six months you have checked the incoming IP addresses and ISP information on a collection of around thirty people. What are you doing with this information?”

Clarys had taken a step back at that, and then one towards the door. Security, maybe, she wasn’t sure. And then there had been a flash of blue light, and suddenly her way was blocked by a body, that was now standing right in front of her. The kid pushed the door shut and folded his arms. “I asked you a question,” he said.

“I, uh.” Clarys blinked, stared. He raised an eyebrow. Okay, fine. “Checking everybody is who they say they are, coming in from the same places – nobody’s account has been taken over by an unfriendly or anything like that.”

“What else?”

“No… journalists? I mean, there’s one journalist. But he’s in Britain and writes about cheese.”

“Why no journalists?” He had frowned at that.

“Because I think that there are some people who would want a heads-up if a journalist figured out who they were,” Clarys said then, completely and utterly convinced at that point that this was the disappeared Number Five, and what the fuck. Was Vanyas book even true? Was her first, vaguely betrayed thought. Was there more than one of them called Number Five? Did Vanya Hargreeves just not know that her brother was… not disappeared?

Number Five had looked her up and down. It had been a strangely considering look on such a young man’s face.

“Acceptable,” he had said, after a minute. “You don’t appear to be lying, at any rate I’ll have an eye on you.”

“You could just say if you want log access.”

“I have log access.”

And then there was another blue flash and he was gone, like it had never happened.

Back on the steps outside the bar, Clarys grimaces remembering. Five had emailed a few more times after that, mostly non-threatening but very clearly on protective detail for any of the Hargreeves siblings. She had never mentioned as much to the other posters but Diego had obviously heard enough from his brother. Or -

Wait. “How did you know it was me?” She queries, working up to going inside. Still.

“Five’s creepy file on you,” Diego says, with a smirk.

“… Wow.”

“Don’t worry, he has them on a few other people too.”  
  
“I bet. Jesus.”

“You’re still an asshole in my eyes, if you were wondering. I don’t go for that sexism shit.”

“I will change your avatar to a ninja turtle.”

“That’s bullying, that’s against the rules.”

“Taking the rules seriously now are we,” she teases, and wow, how odd, it’s actually almost exactly like it is on the board. Except she’s making the words out loud instead of typing them. She hopes, if the guys show up like they said, that it’s all just as easy as this.

Diego Hargreeves looks kind of like he’s thinking the same thing.

“Alright,” Clarys says, after a moment. “Let’s do this.”

They push through the double doors.

The place is almost empty, which is absolutely fantastic. One of the guys that pushed past her is sitting at a table near the middle, fiddling with the mini TV. The other one is nowhere to be seen.

Clarys is just thinking about getting a table when the door behind them bursts open and a flustered looking kid comes in. His baseball cap is on back to front. Clarys wants to reach out and turn it around.

“Seb!” The guy calls. “Hey! You assholes left me!”

“Oh my God,” the guy at the table looks up. “Oh my God I’m so sorry man, Alec had to piss, but you found us! Ten outta ten!”

“Yeah I found -” the baseball cap turns around slowly to look at Clarys and Diego. “Oh my God,” he says, cutting himself off. Yeah, sounds like he’s been drinking some, too. “You’re in a Diego costume!” He exclaims, looking Diego up and down. “Oh my God! You’re so here for the meetup, which one are you?”

“Diego,” Diego says, looking like he’s trying not to laugh. And then he staggers backward as the kid makes a running leap at him.

It looks like he’s being hugged by a muscular adolescent octopus.

“Diegoooo!” The kid wails. “You made it! Hi!” He spins around to look at Clarys as Diego pats his back awkwardly.

“Tim,” Clarys says, waving.

“TIM!” And now she has her arms full.

“I was expecting more questions, but hugs are fine,” she says, even though she was not expecting that and enjoyed it as much as Diego looked like he had.

“Tim?” Says a new voice, and then Seb says,

“Alec man your flies are down,”

and Alec says, “no freaking way! Shots?” pointing a finger excitedly at Diego and ignoring his flies, and Diego says,

“Sounds like you guys have been on the shots already,” and the kid says,

“It’s Diego, I want to dieeeee,” and slides down into a chair.

They get shots.

The kid – Noah – which kind of suits him, is looking at Diego with little hearts in his eyes. “You know you look so much like Diego Hargreeves, man, you should do acting gigs for him or whatever.”

Diego glances at her looking utterly confused. “I am Diego Hargreeves,” he says, slowly, and Seb and Alec both grin like he’s being cute, and Noah nods enthusiastically and pats him on the arm.

“I know, man,” he says. “We talk all the time.”

“Fuck me,” Diego runs a hand over his face. Then he reaches out and grabs one of the remaining shots, knocks it back. “Oh my God,” he grimaces. “Tequila is disgusting. Okay.”

“It’s so cool that we’re all here,” Alec says, leaning back looking very relaxed. “America is so cool.”

“Your accent is so cool,” Noah says. “You sound like a gangster. From films, in _Landan_.”

“You sound like a baby,” Diego tells him. “I can’t believe your ID says you’re twenty six. I thought I was gonna have to arrest these guys for getting you drunk.”

“I’m not drunk,” Noah says. “I’m happy.”

The door to the bar opens and two figures come in arm in arm. One girl and one – Clarys is confused. Girl? Guy? Fine. She’ll figure it out when they talk.

“Hey,” the girl says, tentatively. “Are you...”

“Orla?” Noah asks. “It is you, you giant nerd!” Oh, cool they’ve met before, Clarys remembers. Noah barrels over to hug Orla. He turns to the person she was with.

“Morty,” they say, which, that doesn’t help the whole gender thing. Okay. Clarys can deal with it.

They exchange hugs and hellos.

“So, uh, who’s who?” Orla says, grinning. The two newbies reach for the shots and Alec flags down more.

“Hey, add curly fries or something before someone gets sick,” Clarys says, suddenly.

“Oh good idea,” Diego says.

“Diego Hargreeves, holy shit! Is it weird reading about yourself?” Morty asks, and that’s news – somebody else actually knows who he is.

“Ooooh, you must be ‘all caps’!” Diego says, and Morty laughs.

“Heralding the end times,” they say. “Yeah ‘all caps’ works. It started because I wanted to be obnoxious. Now it’s just habit.”

“Wait a minute,” Alec says, “also cool accent. Kiwi?”

“Aussie,” Morty says, looking extremely put out, “thanks.” They don’t sound like they mean thanks. They sound like they mean fuck you.

“Oh, cool,” Alec says.

“What are you French?” Morty says, quick.

“Hey! Uh. Brighton. Prick.”

“Knobber.”

“It’s like family dinner,” Alec says, beaming. “I love it. Wait though. I was thinking about something.”

“About how drunk you are?” Diego says. Alec clicks his fingers at him.

“No, but close,” he says, and then settles back down.

“Like is it not weird sitting next to _Noah_ knowing he writes naughty stories about you?” Morty reiterates.

An hour later, a Canadian stumbles in.

“BRENT!” they chorus, because COLOSSUSRULES99 is the only one that promised to come that hasn’t shown up, and – fuck, if that’s not Brent then the guy is probably going to turn and sprint out of the bar. They’re still the only customers.

“Oh my God,” the guy says, “the greeting I didn’t know I’ve been waiting for all my life!”

Clarys is fifty four. She… she maybe can’t hold her shots like she used to. Not that she ever did shots in the first place.

Being taken seriously at sixteen with a PhD was hard enough. Being female didn’t help even slightly. Being ginger… well. She was never swimming in party invites.

“Tim you fucking legend!” Brent has his arm around her shoulders as she knocks back two more. So some of the guys had a head start. Brent doesn’t know that.

Across the table, Diego looks like he’s contemplating another one himself. Noah is leaning up against him, gesturing wildly about some sporting event she has no idea whatsoever about. Alec appears to notice and slides one across to him, and then after a moment of consideration sends the curly fries too.

“How’s the family?” Clarys asks, an indeterminate amount of time later.

“Yeah, good, fine,” Diego waves her off, looking far more relaxed after his fourth tequila. “Klaus would have found this hilarious without the part where it’s in a bar. Oh! I should have brought Luther!”

Clarys almost spits out her drink. “Luther?” She says, leans to the side as Sebastian climbs up on the table. “Luther is one of us too?”

“Oh no, he doesn’t post anything,” Diego waves again, and he moves so that Orla can climb up and start doing some kind of young person sexy dance with Seb, Clarys doesn’t know. Kids are like that. She has teenagers. “He just reads it like Ally. Oh,” he says, suddenly. “You know we’re not… dating, right?”

“You can say ‘having sex’,” Clarys admonishes. “I’m married with three children, and – hey,” she smacks him on the arm. “Yes I know you’re not dating, I am sorry, the fanfiction part of the board just gets out of hand sometimes.”

“Fanfiction!” Noah cheers, as Seb plants one on Orla. Nobody even bothers to come kick them out. They’re still the only damn customers.

“That!” Diego says, and starts cracking up for no apparent reason.

“Hey man!” Alec says, louder than necessary, “what’s so funny?”

“Why do you think- why do you think-” he tries to start, multiple times, and he’s getting red in the face. It’s frankly endearing.

“Buddy!” Brent says. “What’s up my man?”

“Why would Luther and me have sex, like ever?” Diego says, and nearly slides out of his chair with how hard he’s laughing.

Clarys holds her breath.

“OH MY GOD,” yells Alec, suddenly looking horrified.

“SEE I AM ALWAYS TELLING YOU,” yells Brent, looking vindicated.

“Woah woah woah,” says Morty. “You guys. You guys...”

“You know this really _is_ Diego Hargreeves?” Clarys asks them all, reaching for another shot.

Noah looks like he’s going to scream.

The headache the next day is so worth it.

Clarys can wait another year for the next one, though.

On the board, under MEETUP -

K-HOLE: HAHAHAHAHAHA

K-HOLE: HAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAAAAAA

UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: I cant believe it

COLOSSUSRULES99: u so cute irl man lololol

DREAMSTAR: keep it sekrit. Keep it safe,

UMBRELLAFAAAAA: I wanna die a bit tho lol omfg

DIEGOHARGREEVES: I won’t hold it against you.

UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: u culd if u wanted to

K-HOLE: DUDE NO! you could do so so so much better than diego he said you were super cute.

UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: OMFG I WANNA DIEEEEEEEEEE

HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: IS YOUR KEYBOARD BROKEN LOL

DREAMSTAR: what happens in vegas stays in colorado. Or wherever the fuk we ended up last night

DIEGOHARGREEVES: Prick.

DREAMSTAR: dood

DIEGOHARGREEVES: Not you.

K-HOLE: he means me mwah mwah.

DREAMSTAR: OMFG WAIT A FUCKIN MINUTE I JHUST FIGURED IT IOUYT

Clarys sighs.


End file.
